Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Enjoy the penises
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
