My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
