i permit you to call me
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
