made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
