Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
