awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
