i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
