worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
