checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
