OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
