well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
