Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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