ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
