also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
