Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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