and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
