I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
