Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
