I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
