I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
