wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
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