You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
