Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
