a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
