who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
