I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
