Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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