help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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