i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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