god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
