I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i love accidental penises.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
