"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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