I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
