i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
