You really coming over, don't trick.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
