the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
