Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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