So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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