Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
