I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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