new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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