I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
