Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
So vagazzling was a success
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
