when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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