My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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