listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
