Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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