i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
my poor anus
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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