the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
