I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
