Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
