I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
